Stay: to continue to be as specified, to hold out or endure, to stop or halt.

The last month has not gone well for me.  My 25th birthday grows closer by the day and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at a third of the way through my life. For the most part, my disappointment is derivative of social expectations and my lack of lucrative accomplishments but I am struggling to feel adept when I am constantly surrounded by 'successful' people. I feel vulnerable, scared and extremely small.

For all intents and purposes, I am small, I am just a number on a screen, I am just another name on a page. I am counting down to a personal milestone that literally no one else in the world gives a shit about, so why do I care?
Who am I really comparing myself to?
When do I find that 'dream job' we have been told about since we were kids?
What is the point?

Last night as I sat feeling like I had been pooped out the anus of life, I ate my third meal for the day, I sat in front of a lovely warm fire and went to sleep under a stable roof. I woke up this morning and drunk my speciality plunger coffee and spread Marmite on my Chia and flax seed toast that cost $4.49 a loaf. I had a hot shower and put on warm, dry clothes, then drove to work.

The point is, that although I may be turning 25 (in 2 months and 11 days) and I do not own a house or have a job that would make my parents brag, I am fortunate. I am on my own path that is not dictated by girls on Instagram with bikini bodies sitting on tropical beaches. I will not succumb to a completely consumerist and privileged lifestyle because that how western society ranks the elite. I am humbled by my gratitude and vulnerability and happy to take my place in line. I know that we are not just given the life we want, circumstantially or otherwise, we have to work for it.

"If all mankind were to take their troubles to market with the idea of exchanging them, anyone seeing what his neighbour's troubles were like would be glad to go home with his own."
— Herodotus (The Histories of Herodotus of Halicarnassus)

“Alone” BY EDGAR ALLAN POE

From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were—I have not seen
As others saw—I could not bring
My passions from a common spring—
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow—I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone—
And all I lov’d—I lov’d alone—
Then—in my childhood—in the dawn
Of a most stormy life—was drawn
From ev’ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still—
From the torrent, or the fountain—
From the red cliff of the mountain—
From the sun that ’round me roll’d
In its autumn tint of gold—
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass’d me flying by—
From the thunder, and the storm—
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view—

Thank: to express gratitude, appreciation, or acknowledgment to.

    

Thank you to everyone who continues to support me with writing this blog. I couldn't do it without you. I love being inspired by other people and the idea that I too, can inspire positive change in someone else's life. If like me you need a helping hand or want to speak up about any issues you are facing please feel free to contact me, you don't have to do it alone.

-H

Mask: anything that disguises or conceals.

A huge issue we face today is that we all think we are in the 1% of people with mental barriers or problems when the truth is, we are actually part of the 99%. We over think, over analyse and over compensate for things that are out of our control but we hide it behind benign smiles and dishonesty.
We see surface value instead of delving further and we build a two dimensional world around ourselves to protect our pride. We exist for others and not for ourselves and make appearances at events although we are not emotionally there. We take narcissistic selfies to show people how "happy" we are, not willing to share the bigger picture.

Sometimes admitting you are in pain feels egocentric and selfish. It's easier just to hold those feelings in your mouth and swallow them whole, just as you would a pain remedy. The difference however, is that ingesting mental pain can often lead to very severe illness and grow faster than bacteria in agar. For years I sat bottling emotions and hiding how I felt, not realising just how transparent I was. I greeted every morning with a dose of self pity and ignorance as I fell back into my routine of being comfortably numb. It almost began to feel reassuring, that my emotional state was so predictable because I let myself hover along the "I'm okay" line, not willing to dip above or below. My pain sat un-dissolved and for the most part dormant but I started to become more and more detached from those around me.

Luckily for me, my friends and family did not give up on me even after I had refused their help and advice for so long. I, like many others do, believed I was fine and that nothing was wrong because my medication was stopping me from having episodes of rage and anguish. I didn't realise that while I may be able to prevent terrifying symptoms of my mental illness, I may also start to learn to be truely happy within myself and use my life for its real potential. I am still walking a thin line with my happiness but now when I smile it is a genuine smile. I don't feel the need to lie to myself and especially to others about how I am feeling which I believe is a preliminary step in learning to love and accept yourself for who you are. We are all flawed but it's how you deal with your flaws that defines how you live with yourself. 

Anon Guest Post: Male Depression Perspective

Is it better to be naturally happy, or to achieve happiness in through overcoming life's
hardships?

Depression is a term I'm sick of hearing. A predefined set of criteria which lumps you in a
category. A label that's comfortably thrown around.

I, like many, have had my own journey through such a disarray.  This journey plagued me with
the question, why am I feeling this way? The fragility of porcelain isn't a feebleness, but a
fineness. We know that if we don't care for such things, they could shatter and cut us, yet we
are not as astute when it comes to our own minds.

I come from what most would consider a healthy, stable environment; a model family. Two
supportive parents, with a generally harmonious marriage, passionate, affluent through their
own hard work. My parents taught my sister and I how to carry ourselves in this world, through
structure, discipline, education, and arguably most importantly, love. They consistently pushed
to achieve highly, and provided a nurturing, positive environment.

It brings me back to questioning myself, why am I feeling this way? Why aren't I enjoying
things? Why can't I sleep?
Often when I have felt low, the guilt, and confusion have been the most overwhelming
fragments. I have lived a somewhat perfect life compared to people who live with actual
hardships.

My thoughts and feelings slowly changed who I was. I was once the outspoken loudmouth, the
class clown. Always joking around and high spirited. Progressively this changed. It was a slow,
prolonged adjustment to the way I lived my life. Without knowing, I let it increasingly dictate my
actions. I stopped getting out of my comfort zone. The things I used to enjoy become more of a
chore. Worst of all however was Iet it affect not only me, but my relationships with those closest
to me.

Ultimately the person I had become was not the person my partner fell in love with. It was a
direct contributor to our relationship failing, something I found difficult to rationalise in my head
at the time. I quickly hit my personal rock bottom. She moved on quickly, whilst I felt forsaken
and alone. I had supportive friends and family around me, but it was the figurative nail in the
coffin of my head. I wasn't functioning anymore. I couldn't sleep, I didn't have the appetite to eat.
I couldn't stand being alone, yet when I was with others it was worse.

This went on for while and eventually came to a point. One night as I was sitting around I
thought, fuck this. I grabbed the codeine from my drawers and took what was left. It didn't take
long to come back up. Whether my body genuinely rejected it, or subconsciously I knew better,
who knows. I spent the rest of that night feeling pretty ashamed of myself. I felt embarrassed
and guilty for almost putting the people who care about me through that.
I'm not stupid. At this point I knew things had to be addressed.  So I rather sheepishly decided
to visit my GP and lay out everything that had happened. Que the standard questions;
How often do you feel down, hopeless, anxious?
Do you look forward to things?
Have you had any suicidal thoughts?
How is your energy?
How is your sleep?

My GP told me I was depressed. He assured me it is extremely common, even revealing my
father is in the same boat (he treats us both). He set me on an immediate course of SSRI's, and
set me on my way. I left feeling rather indifferent to the whole process. I, like many people,
carried a stigma about being "depressed". I categorised people in my same socioeconomic
background being depressed, mainly as their choice. I felt like people abused the term, using it
to justify self indulgent behaviour they deep down knew was detrimental to their mental
wellbeing. Obviously I was wrong, but I was terrified about the premise of being one of those
people. I didn't want to get worse and just say, oh well, its because I'm depressed.

Taking pills felt like a bandaid to me. Obviously for many people they are hugely beneficial to
living a healthier life and getting on top of things. Initially however, I didn't want to just take
something and pretend like the problems weren't still prevalent. I was anxious about not fixing
the underlying issues, and falling back into old habits upon coming off the treatment.

I confided in a couple of close friends and made the decision to try counselling. For me, this was
both a hugely beneficial, and equally eye opening. It wasn't like speaking to people I knew, this
person was completely neutral, I didn't feel like the broken record I knew I was to my friends and
family. Still, in reality I felt like a fool, like I had no genuine reason to be there. I appeared to be
pretty transparent to him. Events and emotions I struggled to process in my head appeared so
straightforward to apprehend by him. Im the most diplomatic way possible he pointed out my
own shortcomings in acting out behaviour that I openly knew was bad for mental standing. I
spent a little over three months going back, trying to get small wins, catch low hanging fruit to
bring me to a better understand of myself, controlling my emotions, and anxiety. Looking back,
the strategies I learnt were imperative to aiding me to where I am today, but ultimately, the
counselling alone wasn't enough to keep me on the right track. I maintained a healthier lifestyle,
but I often slipped back into old habits, especially in relationships. I didn't feel like I was
progressing, I had plateaued halfway to happiness. I didn't understand how I was doing
everything I was supposed to, and I still felt so underwhelmed with my life.

Okay then. Pills. No biggy right? Just a helping hand. One a day everyday.
This went on for a while. Initially I couldn't sleep, and I was skeptical about the effectiveness
they could provide. To their credit, they did help. Slowly I did feel happier, at least to the point
where I found the motivation to start making more of life in terms of achieving natural highs;
trying new things, getting plenty of exercise, healthy eating, getting more sleep. There is two
sides to a coin however. I felt desensitised. Its hard to rationalise if being a degree happier was
worth feeling so apathetic about everything else. Additionally I had a very diminished libido. As a
guy, this can make you feel like you're not a real man anymore. It has been almost two years
now I have been medicating myself. I have changed prescriptions twice, altered dosages, gotten
frustrated, coming on and off the course.

Medicating depression and anxiety is a trade off. The benefits and side effects must be carefully
weighed up, and they are certainly not a fix-all wonder cure. Still, we live in a country where one
in nine people take anti-depressants, with prescription rates having grown almost 40% in the
past five years. At what point will adequate psychological care become more accessible and
thoroughly provide through our health system as opposed to the quick fix of drugs? A
moderated system providing a combination treatment of both medication and talk therapies.
Personally, I still take half a dose every other day; progress from one viewpoint, dependency
from another. In saying this, my life is more on track. I'm happier, am in a loving relationship,
and most importantly, I am considerably more self aware about how to stay on top of my own
head. I feel like I'm emerging out the other side, hopefully to stay. To quote Primo Levi; "I also
know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong", something I'm
sure many struggling with mental illness could relate to.

Time: the system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future; indefinite and continuous duration regarded as that in which events succeed one another.

I bought a diary to start off last year that read "2014, This is your year" and I genuinely believed it would be true. I would read those words inscribed on the inside cover of that hardbound organiser as we grew close to the end of another crappy year and thought to myself YES. Next year will be MY year. 

Two days into 2014 I found myself lying on a hospital gurney being wheeled into surgery to have my appendix removed. Seven months later I was back in having another laproscopic procedure to remove a mandarin sized ovarian cyst. I gave up my new diary a couple of months into the year as I began to realise that this really was not going to be my year. I flicked through the brightly coloured pages and stared back at the happy woodland creatures that jotted the pages and screwed my face up at my illegibly messy handwriting soiling the book with useless 'don't forget's. I felt like a phoney even as I wrote down those important dates and bills to pay in a book fit for a child. I told myself that this was how to do adulthood - writing lists, eating breakfast, making my bed every morning. Perhaps I would even venture into the realm of the 5 plus a day culinary regime. This wasn't the case however and 2014 was fay from being 'my year'. I was in a job that made me miserable, my health was in disarray, my family seemed broken beyond repair and my bed was still unmade. 

I felt the constant pressure of time running away on me and was feeling ever more analogous with the lyrics "So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking" written by Roger Waters for Pink Floyd's song Time. Every day I would wake up with a "what's life going to throw at me today" attitude which, as I have learned, makes you a very angry and unhappy person. I began to see patterns in my unhappiness after I was made redundant from my job and thus decided to make a useful list of things I wanted to focus on to make my life better:

1. Don't stress about things that are out of your control

2. Don't make excuses

3. Listen

4. See beauty in the small things

5. Take your time, don't rush

6. Don't take on others negative energy

7. Smile

8. Breathe

Although seemingly stupid at the time, this list helps me every single day. I now feel sorry for people who speed through their life and honk when they catch up to those who at their limit. I empathize with those who spend their days in anger and resentment instead of looking further, through all the shit, and seeing what really is important. Hollywood glorifies this to no end with the classic cinematic tale of a man who works all his life, focused on money, never taking the time to see what really makes him happy. So why is this such a regular occurrence? Why do people sit so comfortably in misery?

Time. We all know we are running out of time. A yearly diary helps cater to this by consolidating all the things you don't have time to remember on paper whilst simultaneously making you feel like you have achieved something. Add to the mix some pre-existing anxiety and depression and you've really got yourself an i'm-lost-and-don't-know-where-i'm-going-with-my-life party.

It has taken me years to start addressing my problems and recognizing what I need to add or subtract from my life an it all comes back to time. Do I have time to fix this? How much time have I wastefully invested in them? Will I ever get time to do that? Who will be there when my time runs out? There will always be kinks in the chain but you cannot stress about things that are out of your control, it is an enormous waste of your time. Only you can provide the answers to your own questions, don't make excuses as this only hides to the truth. You can't begin to move forward if you are not honest and don't listen to yourself. Take your time to see beauty in the small things. As Sura wrote in her article Why We Rush Through Life, "To be present is to fully inhabit the moment, to slow down and pay attention to everything around us" which you cannot do if you don't take the time to actually be present. Don't let others rush you and don't take on their negative energy, move at your own pace. Do something, read something, see someone that makes you smile. The scientific benefits of smiling outweigh any negative influences and help to begin to calm you and your body down. Last but not least, as my gorgeous yoga instructor Kotte has taught me, Breathe. Breathe in until you can feel every corner of your lungs expand and let go of your daily conflictions as you exhale.  Breathe in in an extended rhythm with your body and your mind will follow. Don't convolute your mind into thinking "this year will be different" because a year is just another way of measuring time. 

Every year can be your year. 

"You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today" - Pink Floyd, Time.

Forgive: To stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offence, flaw, or mistake.

"Just keep swimming." I think every person who's ever watched finding Nemo can find meaning in this. For me, it is to rise above jealousy, see through insidious people and focus on making myself a better person. Regrettably, I have done a lot of shitty things in my life notwithstanding I have learnt from my mistakes and grown from them. I also find myself empathetically defining my behavior from others mistakes which is not to say I am a better person that them, I was just lucky not to have been first. 

Whether you are a biblical person or not, one thing we are taught from a very young age is to treat others how you want to be treated, yet we rarely ever do. I can say with confidence that I have said and done things to people I care about that have damaged relationships and caused irreversible pain that I choose to be believe I have grown from. I can also say that I haven't always been treated in a mutually acceptable manner but once again, I CHOOSE to rise above it. 

In my step fathers suicide note he wrote "This is no-ones fault" but for years I blamed myself for his death. I would replay my last moments with him over and over  until I wasn't even sure how much of it was reality or how much I had concocted in my own head. It wasn't until June 2011 after I had been drugged and raped by a friend of a friend that I began to realise you cannot take responsibility for another persons heinous actions. For the months that followed I hated myself and being around other people, particularly men. I wallowed in self loathing and condemnation until I reached the apex of my hate and decided to end my life. Quite clearly my attempt was futile and I couldn't be happier for this fact. I made a list of not what makes me happy but why these things make me happy and attributed them to the importance of my existence. Although I still struggle being alone with male company and have my moments of doubt, I am thankful for my life and remember how lucky I am everyday to have so much love and support. 

Something I have learned from these emotional scars is that you cannot begin to forgive others until you have first forgiven yourself. You cannot live in the grave that is your past, you can either climb out or dig further down. There is no middle ground. I know now that luck does not just happen and forgiveness is not an overnight odyssey. It is a long road of letting in the sunshine that is unequivocal love in and no longer living in the dark.

"He who cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." - Confucius