Vulnerable: exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

It's so easy to look back on who we could, would and should love, because as a whole, we are so terrible at it. I alone have spent countless hours sobbing into pillows and wholeheartedly believing I am not good enough, all because my love was not reciprocated or was mistreated in some way. We spend far too much time changing ourselves to fit someone else's criteria and focusing our love like a laser beam, instead of broadening its vicinity to include ourselves.
Recently I have been reading Daring Greatly by Brené Brown and how the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. When I look at times that I have felt the most vulnerable or the most shame, it is usually around falling in and out of love or not feeling loved enough personally. Times when I truely believed in my heart of hearts I am not capable of loving because I am not capable of being loved. In her book (or for those more visually inclined, her videos) she talks about how essential it is to embrace vulnerability as a key to 'engage with the world from a place of worthiness" and having the courage to let ourselves be seen.

Along with Brené Brown's wisdom (and some Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert), I have also been delving into Gary Chapman's 1995 book - The 5 Love Languages. It may sound nonsensical, but it discusses how we mirror the way we want to be loved by the way we love others around us using either physical touch, gifts, words, quality time or acts of service. For instance, I adore buying people small, thoughtful gifts or writing them uplifting notes. It makes me feel good to point out others strengths and telling them how they positively effect my life. So it comes as no surprise that my main love language is a very strong 'Words of Affirmation' followed by:
2. Receiving Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Physical Touch
5. Quality Time

The beautiful thing when you take the test (linked above) is there are no right or wrong answers and it by no way defines your love, it is merely a resource to help you recognise others love languages and strengthen your relationship with them. I've met so many people who chase after this fabled diamond ring, like a goal to tick off a 'to do' list, instead of looking further at what it intrinsically means. What good is a ring if you don't have a solid foundation on which to hold its significance up with? How can you offer someone the rest of your life when you don't take the time to be present in right now? For me, I know I first need to dare greatly to achieve a healthy level of worthiness and wholeheartedness before I can offer my love. Always commit to yourself before committing to someone else.

Learning how to love is not something you can be taught by someone else, it's something you discover on your own. But I had some advice for my younger self I would say:

- Protect your love from those who would mistreat it
- Love who you want to openly and freely, knowing it is your love to give
- Love infinitely
- Have the courage to share and express your love

- Always know that you yourself are loved

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly"

-Theordore Roosevelt

Stay: to continue to be as specified, to hold out or endure, to stop or halt.

The last month has not gone well for me.  My 25th birthday grows closer by the day and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at a third of the way through my life. For the most part, my disappointment is derivative of social expectations and my lack of lucrative accomplishments but I am struggling to feel adept when I am constantly surrounded by 'successful' people. I feel vulnerable, scared and extremely small.

For all intents and purposes, I am small, I am just a number on a screen, I am just another name on a page. I am counting down to a personal milestone that literally no one else in the world gives a shit about, so why do I care?
Who am I really comparing myself to?
When do I find that 'dream job' we have been told about since we were kids?
What is the point?

Last night as I sat feeling like I had been pooped out the anus of life, I ate my third meal for the day, I sat in front of a lovely warm fire and went to sleep under a stable roof. I woke up this morning and drunk my speciality plunger coffee and spread Marmite on my Chia and flax seed toast that cost $4.49 a loaf. I had a hot shower and put on warm, dry clothes, then drove to work.

The point is, that although I may be turning 25 (in 2 months and 11 days) and I do not own a house or have a job that would make my parents brag, I am fortunate. I am on my own path that is not dictated by girls on Instagram with bikini bodies sitting on tropical beaches. I will not succumb to a completely consumerist and privileged lifestyle because that how western society ranks the elite. I am humbled by my gratitude and vulnerability and happy to take my place in line. I know that we are not just given the life we want, circumstantially or otherwise, we have to work for it.

"If all mankind were to take their troubles to market with the idea of exchanging them, anyone seeing what his neighbour's troubles were like would be glad to go home with his own."
— Herodotus (The Histories of Herodotus of Halicarnassus)