True: Consistent with fact or reality, Not counterfeit; real or genuine.

"If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?"

I don't know Sheryl. I don't know.

Everyone I know feigns enjoyment from something that truthfully they either hate, or just genuinely aren't interested in. My Dad pretended to love Kate Bush to woo my Mum, I said I was good at RPG gaming to impress a boy and Ned Stark pretended to like the Lannisters, all of which backfired horribly. Dad had to listen to Kate's screechy soprano every Saturday morning, I walked around in circles holding a grenade while being shot at in call of duty and Ned Stark lost his head (spoiler!).
We are a generation of people pleasers and exist purely to impress others. I have always been influenced by what is "cool" or trying to make myself look "successful" without fully grasping what that even means to me. I have lived in the belief that if I am to be worth dating, I have to be a female carbon copy of the person I am interested in, instead of someone with their own hopes/dreams/values etc.

I've been meeting a lot recently with a woman that I look up to as a female mentor and all around amazing person. She is one of those people I feel you don't just meet by chance and exudes bona-fide happiness from within herself. We have been talking a lot about living 'authentically' by identifying values I truely hold dear to me and others that perhaps have purely been impressed upon me.
It's interesting once you start to get to know yourself (albeit via a beautiful Canadian woman) that you realise just how much you hide from the world and how much you've fabricated just to fit in. It also helps you recognise how exhausting and unfulfilling your life is when you are not living authentically and being true to yourself.
      
I've been making lists of the things that make me feel happy such as 'finishing a book' or 'having a bath' as well as core values that are important to me like 'family' and 'honesty'. These are, and should be, different for everyone but if you can incorporate those things into your goals then you can start to live a much more fulfilling life. Ask yourself why you enjoy what you do with your spare time and what you want to do with the rest of the time you have, 'cause if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad.      

Vulnerable: exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

It's so easy to look back on who we could, would and should love, because as a whole, we are so terrible at it. I alone have spent countless hours sobbing into pillows and wholeheartedly believing I am not good enough, all because my love was not reciprocated or was mistreated in some way. We spend far too much time changing ourselves to fit someone else's criteria and focusing our love like a laser beam, instead of broadening its vicinity to include ourselves.
Recently I have been reading Daring Greatly by Brené Brown and how the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. When I look at times that I have felt the most vulnerable or the most shame, it is usually around falling in and out of love or not feeling loved enough personally. Times when I truely believed in my heart of hearts I am not capable of loving because I am not capable of being loved. In her book (or for those more visually inclined, her videos) she talks about how essential it is to embrace vulnerability as a key to 'engage with the world from a place of worthiness" and having the courage to let ourselves be seen.

Along with Brené Brown's wisdom (and some Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert), I have also been delving into Gary Chapman's 1995 book - The 5 Love Languages. It may sound nonsensical, but it discusses how we mirror the way we want to be loved by the way we love others around us using either physical touch, gifts, words, quality time or acts of service. For instance, I adore buying people small, thoughtful gifts or writing them uplifting notes. It makes me feel good to point out others strengths and telling them how they positively effect my life. So it comes as no surprise that my main love language is a very strong 'Words of Affirmation' followed by:
2. Receiving Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Physical Touch
5. Quality Time

The beautiful thing when you take the test (linked above) is there are no right or wrong answers and it by no way defines your love, it is merely a resource to help you recognise others love languages and strengthen your relationship with them. I've met so many people who chase after this fabled diamond ring, like a goal to tick off a 'to do' list, instead of looking further at what it intrinsically means. What good is a ring if you don't have a solid foundation on which to hold its significance up with? How can you offer someone the rest of your life when you don't take the time to be present in right now? For me, I know I first need to dare greatly to achieve a healthy level of worthiness and wholeheartedness before I can offer my love. Always commit to yourself before committing to someone else.

Learning how to love is not something you can be taught by someone else, it's something you discover on your own. But I had some advice for my younger self I would say:

- Protect your love from those who would mistreat it
- Love who you want to openly and freely, knowing it is your love to give
- Love infinitely
- Have the courage to share and express your love

- Always know that you yourself are loved

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly"

-Theordore Roosevelt

Anon Guest Post: Male Depression Perspective

Is it better to be naturally happy, or to achieve happiness in through overcoming life's
hardships?

Depression is a term I'm sick of hearing. A predefined set of criteria which lumps you in a
category. A label that's comfortably thrown around.

I, like many, have had my own journey through such a disarray.  This journey plagued me with
the question, why am I feeling this way? The fragility of porcelain isn't a feebleness, but a
fineness. We know that if we don't care for such things, they could shatter and cut us, yet we
are not as astute when it comes to our own minds.

I come from what most would consider a healthy, stable environment; a model family. Two
supportive parents, with a generally harmonious marriage, passionate, affluent through their
own hard work. My parents taught my sister and I how to carry ourselves in this world, through
structure, discipline, education, and arguably most importantly, love. They consistently pushed
to achieve highly, and provided a nurturing, positive environment.

It brings me back to questioning myself, why am I feeling this way? Why aren't I enjoying
things? Why can't I sleep?
Often when I have felt low, the guilt, and confusion have been the most overwhelming
fragments. I have lived a somewhat perfect life compared to people who live with actual
hardships.

My thoughts and feelings slowly changed who I was. I was once the outspoken loudmouth, the
class clown. Always joking around and high spirited. Progressively this changed. It was a slow,
prolonged adjustment to the way I lived my life. Without knowing, I let it increasingly dictate my
actions. I stopped getting out of my comfort zone. The things I used to enjoy become more of a
chore. Worst of all however was Iet it affect not only me, but my relationships with those closest
to me.

Ultimately the person I had become was not the person my partner fell in love with. It was a
direct contributor to our relationship failing, something I found difficult to rationalise in my head
at the time. I quickly hit my personal rock bottom. She moved on quickly, whilst I felt forsaken
and alone. I had supportive friends and family around me, but it was the figurative nail in the
coffin of my head. I wasn't functioning anymore. I couldn't sleep, I didn't have the appetite to eat.
I couldn't stand being alone, yet when I was with others it was worse.

This went on for while and eventually came to a point. One night as I was sitting around I
thought, fuck this. I grabbed the codeine from my drawers and took what was left. It didn't take
long to come back up. Whether my body genuinely rejected it, or subconsciously I knew better,
who knows. I spent the rest of that night feeling pretty ashamed of myself. I felt embarrassed
and guilty for almost putting the people who care about me through that.
I'm not stupid. At this point I knew things had to be addressed.  So I rather sheepishly decided
to visit my GP and lay out everything that had happened. Que the standard questions;
How often do you feel down, hopeless, anxious?
Do you look forward to things?
Have you had any suicidal thoughts?
How is your energy?
How is your sleep?

My GP told me I was depressed. He assured me it is extremely common, even revealing my
father is in the same boat (he treats us both). He set me on an immediate course of SSRI's, and
set me on my way. I left feeling rather indifferent to the whole process. I, like many people,
carried a stigma about being "depressed". I categorised people in my same socioeconomic
background being depressed, mainly as their choice. I felt like people abused the term, using it
to justify self indulgent behaviour they deep down knew was detrimental to their mental
wellbeing. Obviously I was wrong, but I was terrified about the premise of being one of those
people. I didn't want to get worse and just say, oh well, its because I'm depressed.

Taking pills felt like a bandaid to me. Obviously for many people they are hugely beneficial to
living a healthier life and getting on top of things. Initially however, I didn't want to just take
something and pretend like the problems weren't still prevalent. I was anxious about not fixing
the underlying issues, and falling back into old habits upon coming off the treatment.

I confided in a couple of close friends and made the decision to try counselling. For me, this was
both a hugely beneficial, and equally eye opening. It wasn't like speaking to people I knew, this
person was completely neutral, I didn't feel like the broken record I knew I was to my friends and
family. Still, in reality I felt like a fool, like I had no genuine reason to be there. I appeared to be
pretty transparent to him. Events and emotions I struggled to process in my head appeared so
straightforward to apprehend by him. Im the most diplomatic way possible he pointed out my
own shortcomings in acting out behaviour that I openly knew was bad for mental standing. I
spent a little over three months going back, trying to get small wins, catch low hanging fruit to
bring me to a better understand of myself, controlling my emotions, and anxiety. Looking back,
the strategies I learnt were imperative to aiding me to where I am today, but ultimately, the
counselling alone wasn't enough to keep me on the right track. I maintained a healthier lifestyle,
but I often slipped back into old habits, especially in relationships. I didn't feel like I was
progressing, I had plateaued halfway to happiness. I didn't understand how I was doing
everything I was supposed to, and I still felt so underwhelmed with my life.

Okay then. Pills. No biggy right? Just a helping hand. One a day everyday.
This went on for a while. Initially I couldn't sleep, and I was skeptical about the effectiveness
they could provide. To their credit, they did help. Slowly I did feel happier, at least to the point
where I found the motivation to start making more of life in terms of achieving natural highs;
trying new things, getting plenty of exercise, healthy eating, getting more sleep. There is two
sides to a coin however. I felt desensitised. Its hard to rationalise if being a degree happier was
worth feeling so apathetic about everything else. Additionally I had a very diminished libido. As a
guy, this can make you feel like you're not a real man anymore. It has been almost two years
now I have been medicating myself. I have changed prescriptions twice, altered dosages, gotten
frustrated, coming on and off the course.

Medicating depression and anxiety is a trade off. The benefits and side effects must be carefully
weighed up, and they are certainly not a fix-all wonder cure. Still, we live in a country where one
in nine people take anti-depressants, with prescription rates having grown almost 40% in the
past five years. At what point will adequate psychological care become more accessible and
thoroughly provide through our health system as opposed to the quick fix of drugs? A
moderated system providing a combination treatment of both medication and talk therapies.
Personally, I still take half a dose every other day; progress from one viewpoint, dependency
from another. In saying this, my life is more on track. I'm happier, am in a loving relationship,
and most importantly, I am considerably more self aware about how to stay on top of my own
head. I feel like I'm emerging out the other side, hopefully to stay. To quote Primo Levi; "I also
know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong", something I'm
sure many struggling with mental illness could relate to.

Time: the system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future; indefinite and continuous duration regarded as that in which events succeed one another.

I bought a diary to start off last year that read "2014, This is your year" and I genuinely believed it would be true. I would read those words inscribed on the inside cover of that hardbound organiser as we grew close to the end of another crappy year and thought to myself YES. Next year will be MY year. 

Two days into 2014 I found myself lying on a hospital gurney being wheeled into surgery to have my appendix removed. Seven months later I was back in having another laproscopic procedure to remove a mandarin sized ovarian cyst. I gave up my new diary a couple of months into the year as I began to realise that this really was not going to be my year. I flicked through the brightly coloured pages and stared back at the happy woodland creatures that jotted the pages and screwed my face up at my illegibly messy handwriting soiling the book with useless 'don't forget's. I felt like a phoney even as I wrote down those important dates and bills to pay in a book fit for a child. I told myself that this was how to do adulthood - writing lists, eating breakfast, making my bed every morning. Perhaps I would even venture into the realm of the 5 plus a day culinary regime. This wasn't the case however and 2014 was fay from being 'my year'. I was in a job that made me miserable, my health was in disarray, my family seemed broken beyond repair and my bed was still unmade. 

I felt the constant pressure of time running away on me and was feeling ever more analogous with the lyrics "So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking" written by Roger Waters for Pink Floyd's song Time. Every day I would wake up with a "what's life going to throw at me today" attitude which, as I have learned, makes you a very angry and unhappy person. I began to see patterns in my unhappiness after I was made redundant from my job and thus decided to make a useful list of things I wanted to focus on to make my life better:

1. Don't stress about things that are out of your control

2. Don't make excuses

3. Listen

4. See beauty in the small things

5. Take your time, don't rush

6. Don't take on others negative energy

7. Smile

8. Breathe

Although seemingly stupid at the time, this list helps me every single day. I now feel sorry for people who speed through their life and honk when they catch up to those who at their limit. I empathize with those who spend their days in anger and resentment instead of looking further, through all the shit, and seeing what really is important. Hollywood glorifies this to no end with the classic cinematic tale of a man who works all his life, focused on money, never taking the time to see what really makes him happy. So why is this such a regular occurrence? Why do people sit so comfortably in misery?

Time. We all know we are running out of time. A yearly diary helps cater to this by consolidating all the things you don't have time to remember on paper whilst simultaneously making you feel like you have achieved something. Add to the mix some pre-existing anxiety and depression and you've really got yourself an i'm-lost-and-don't-know-where-i'm-going-with-my-life party.

It has taken me years to start addressing my problems and recognizing what I need to add or subtract from my life an it all comes back to time. Do I have time to fix this? How much time have I wastefully invested in them? Will I ever get time to do that? Who will be there when my time runs out? There will always be kinks in the chain but you cannot stress about things that are out of your control, it is an enormous waste of your time. Only you can provide the answers to your own questions, don't make excuses as this only hides to the truth. You can't begin to move forward if you are not honest and don't listen to yourself. Take your time to see beauty in the small things. As Sura wrote in her article Why We Rush Through Life, "To be present is to fully inhabit the moment, to slow down and pay attention to everything around us" which you cannot do if you don't take the time to actually be present. Don't let others rush you and don't take on their negative energy, move at your own pace. Do something, read something, see someone that makes you smile. The scientific benefits of smiling outweigh any negative influences and help to begin to calm you and your body down. Last but not least, as my gorgeous yoga instructor Kotte has taught me, Breathe. Breathe in until you can feel every corner of your lungs expand and let go of your daily conflictions as you exhale.  Breathe in in an extended rhythm with your body and your mind will follow. Don't convolute your mind into thinking "this year will be different" because a year is just another way of measuring time. 

Every year can be your year. 

"You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today" - Pink Floyd, Time.

Learn: to acquire knowledge of or skill in by study, instruction, or experience.

I can't swim. I wish I could, just like I wish I liked egg yolk or any music by The Smiths but unfortunately I just wasn't born to do everything. I like to think I have a sound understanding of the world around me but when I really look at something to discuss at great length, all I have is my own alluvion of experience. My attention span is so short that in this world, where we are given information in such quick succession, it is much preferable to find myself at the business end of a chocolate bar watching videos of cats rather than educating myself on Florentine architecture during the Renaissance. I can easily stay afloat in an intellectual conversation by adding quick fire facts and anecdotes but do I really even understand my contribution? For the most part, the answer is no (unless discussing a feline's ability to incite laughter on every level of stupidity) and thus uncorks my crippling social anxiety. Just like my inability to swim, my panic towards amicable "chin-wagging" is driven by fear. My fear of inhaling water and flapping aimlessly in a black abyss psychologically propels me into heavy breathing, sweating and snotty tears.

I spend most of my timing holding malicious thoughts at bay and taking medication to prevent grotesque panic attacks. Medicating mental illness is comparable to wearing inflatable arm bands in deep water; it temporarily stops you from sinking but doesn't actually fix the underlying problem which is of course that you are on a swift course to drowning. How I got so far out of my depth I'm not sure, but the medley of pills on my medical carte du jour for the past decade has created a crutch that I now so desperately cling to. I have been pharmaceutically treated by my GP for depression, grade 2 bi-polar, insomnia, acute anxiety and even Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder yet am still bound to my physician and his team of state-funded psychologists in a merry-go-round of emotion and instability.

To break this cycle I have now decided to try and teach myself to be happy physically, mentally and spiritually through a self-medicated dose of exercise, healthy eating, quitting smoking and trying out the Mantra that is Mark Manson's "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck". I do not intend to undermine any prior help given to me but more to offer myself a chance to live life how I want to live it. I also wish to invite others who similarly have been 'condemned' with ailing mental illness to join me on my bare all quest for happiness in hopes that it may aid them on their journey also. (Cat taxes included with weekly post.)