Mask: anything that disguises or conceals.

A huge issue we face today is that we all think we are in the 1% of people with mental barriers or problems when the truth is, we are actually part of the 99%. We over think, over analyse and over compensate for things that are out of our control but we hide it behind benign smiles and dishonesty.
We see surface value instead of delving further and we build a two dimensional world around ourselves to protect our pride. We exist for others and not for ourselves and make appearances at events although we are not emotionally there. We take narcissistic selfies to show people how "happy" we are, not willing to share the bigger picture.

Sometimes admitting you are in pain feels egocentric and selfish. It's easier just to hold those feelings in your mouth and swallow them whole, just as you would a pain remedy. The difference however, is that ingesting mental pain can often lead to very severe illness and grow faster than bacteria in agar. For years I sat bottling emotions and hiding how I felt, not realising just how transparent I was. I greeted every morning with a dose of self pity and ignorance as I fell back into my routine of being comfortably numb. It almost began to feel reassuring, that my emotional state was so predictable because I let myself hover along the "I'm okay" line, not willing to dip above or below. My pain sat un-dissolved and for the most part dormant but I started to become more and more detached from those around me.

Luckily for me, my friends and family did not give up on me even after I had refused their help and advice for so long. I, like many others do, believed I was fine and that nothing was wrong because my medication was stopping me from having episodes of rage and anguish. I didn't realise that while I may be able to prevent terrifying symptoms of my mental illness, I may also start to learn to be truely happy within myself and use my life for its real potential. I am still walking a thin line with my happiness but now when I smile it is a genuine smile. I don't feel the need to lie to myself and especially to others about how I am feeling which I believe is a preliminary step in learning to love and accept yourself for who you are. We are all flawed but it's how you deal with your flaws that defines how you live with yourself. 

Learn: to acquire knowledge of or skill in by study, instruction, or experience.

I can't swim. I wish I could, just like I wish I liked egg yolk or any music by The Smiths but unfortunately I just wasn't born to do everything. I like to think I have a sound understanding of the world around me but when I really look at something to discuss at great length, all I have is my own alluvion of experience. My attention span is so short that in this world, where we are given information in such quick succession, it is much preferable to find myself at the business end of a chocolate bar watching videos of cats rather than educating myself on Florentine architecture during the Renaissance. I can easily stay afloat in an intellectual conversation by adding quick fire facts and anecdotes but do I really even understand my contribution? For the most part, the answer is no (unless discussing a feline's ability to incite laughter on every level of stupidity) and thus uncorks my crippling social anxiety. Just like my inability to swim, my panic towards amicable "chin-wagging" is driven by fear. My fear of inhaling water and flapping aimlessly in a black abyss psychologically propels me into heavy breathing, sweating and snotty tears.

I spend most of my timing holding malicious thoughts at bay and taking medication to prevent grotesque panic attacks. Medicating mental illness is comparable to wearing inflatable arm bands in deep water; it temporarily stops you from sinking but doesn't actually fix the underlying problem which is of course that you are on a swift course to drowning. How I got so far out of my depth I'm not sure, but the medley of pills on my medical carte du jour for the past decade has created a crutch that I now so desperately cling to. I have been pharmaceutically treated by my GP for depression, grade 2 bi-polar, insomnia, acute anxiety and even Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder yet am still bound to my physician and his team of state-funded psychologists in a merry-go-round of emotion and instability.

To break this cycle I have now decided to try and teach myself to be happy physically, mentally and spiritually through a self-medicated dose of exercise, healthy eating, quitting smoking and trying out the Mantra that is Mark Manson's "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck". I do not intend to undermine any prior help given to me but more to offer myself a chance to live life how I want to live it. I also wish to invite others who similarly have been 'condemned' with ailing mental illness to join me on my bare all quest for happiness in hopes that it may aid them on their journey also. (Cat taxes included with weekly post.)