See: To perceive with the eye, to be conscious of what is around you byusing your eyes

At the end of 2012 I was diagnosed with vocal chord dysfunction, a severe anxiety symptom, born from my high levels of anxiety at the time. Basically, whenever I had a panic attack (which was at least once a night) my vocal chords would begin to close over and I would struggle for breath. That, along with asthma and an inability to calm down and regulate my breathing, made for a rough few months with far too many ambulance rides.

I spent the following weeks in and out of doctors and counselling, the first to prescribe Lorazepam for acute attacks and the second, to put mental steps in place to alleviate the stress and begin breathing exercises. As my partner would attest to, these were not easy times. The amount of sleepless nights, uncontrollable shaking, crying, outbursts of anger and weight loss only added to his own stress of university, and together we became very reclusive.

This isn't to say that we weren't happy, we were just struggling and treading the ever deepening water of our relationship. We went to social gatherings when we were needed and most people were none the wiser of what we were going through as a couple. I like to think that I was the victim of my anxiety but unfortunately, it has a contagious effect when you live with someone else.

Thankfully to his resilience and many of my close friends, I was able to gain confidence over my anxiety and come off the Lorazepam and learn to control attacks through regimented breathing exercises and yoga. I continued to take Venlafaxine for depression and Quetiapine as an anti-psychotic/sleep aid in the hopes that I would also be able to work my way up to removing them from my daily intake. 

A month ago I stopped taking the Quetiapine as I was becoming reliant on it to sleep. Not only that, I also found myself abusing it if I had a particularly hard day or simply couldn't deal with the pain inside. It became increasingly easy to just knock myself out instead of facing my problems. I would wake up groggy and and see traces as though I had been on an LSD bender the night before. I was having nightmares that I couldn't shake all day and was confusing dream with reality. Some days were so foggy that I literally couldn't remember what I had for breakfast or how I got wherever it was that I was going to. I lost weeks of memories and conversations all from a tiny pink habitual pill. 

Although this last month has been a bit of a blur it makes me realise all the things I've seen but didn't get a chance to see. I was there, it happened, but I didn't truly see what was happening. Just like others see me out at a dinner or at a party, they only see surface value, not what is underneath. It never ceases to amaze me how little we actually see of the world around us and just how little we really know our peers. People are often heard saying to someone feeling negatively about themselves "I wish you saw yourself how I see you" or "If only you could see what I see". To even begin to see yourself as others do takes immense courage and strength. Too often we base opinions of others on gossip and hearsay, using our ears and not our own eyes. The same can be said for when we try to see ourselves the way our loved ones do. We only focus on our own bias opinions of ourselves and wade through layers of insecurities and self instated flaws so by the time we reach our outer beautiful selves, all we see are the flaws. When others look at us, they don't have these negative layers smearing their view they only see the outside.

I did not consult my physician before I ended my love/hate relationship with Quetiapine however I discussed it in great detail with my counsellor. I in no way advise anyone else to stop taking prescribed medication without first consulting your doctor. I am still working on building up a healthy, unassisted sleeping regime and hope to eventually wean myself off caffeine and high concentrate sugars as well.

As the great Mrs Beauregarde said "Eyes on the prize violet, eyes on the prize."

Time: the system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future; indefinite and continuous duration regarded as that in which events succeed one another.

I bought a diary to start off last year that read "2014, This is your year" and I genuinely believed it would be true. I would read those words inscribed on the inside cover of that hardbound organiser as we grew close to the end of another crappy year and thought to myself YES. Next year will be MY year. 

Two days into 2014 I found myself lying on a hospital gurney being wheeled into surgery to have my appendix removed. Seven months later I was back in having another laproscopic procedure to remove a mandarin sized ovarian cyst. I gave up my new diary a couple of months into the year as I began to realise that this really was not going to be my year. I flicked through the brightly coloured pages and stared back at the happy woodland creatures that jotted the pages and screwed my face up at my illegibly messy handwriting soiling the book with useless 'don't forget's. I felt like a phoney even as I wrote down those important dates and bills to pay in a book fit for a child. I told myself that this was how to do adulthood - writing lists, eating breakfast, making my bed every morning. Perhaps I would even venture into the realm of the 5 plus a day culinary regime. This wasn't the case however and 2014 was fay from being 'my year'. I was in a job that made me miserable, my health was in disarray, my family seemed broken beyond repair and my bed was still unmade. 

I felt the constant pressure of time running away on me and was feeling ever more analogous with the lyrics "So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking" written by Roger Waters for Pink Floyd's song Time. Every day I would wake up with a "what's life going to throw at me today" attitude which, as I have learned, makes you a very angry and unhappy person. I began to see patterns in my unhappiness after I was made redundant from my job and thus decided to make a useful list of things I wanted to focus on to make my life better:

1. Don't stress about things that are out of your control

2. Don't make excuses

3. Listen

4. See beauty in the small things

5. Take your time, don't rush

6. Don't take on others negative energy

7. Smile

8. Breathe

Although seemingly stupid at the time, this list helps me every single day. I now feel sorry for people who speed through their life and honk when they catch up to those who at their limit. I empathize with those who spend their days in anger and resentment instead of looking further, through all the shit, and seeing what really is important. Hollywood glorifies this to no end with the classic cinematic tale of a man who works all his life, focused on money, never taking the time to see what really makes him happy. So why is this such a regular occurrence? Why do people sit so comfortably in misery?

Time. We all know we are running out of time. A yearly diary helps cater to this by consolidating all the things you don't have time to remember on paper whilst simultaneously making you feel like you have achieved something. Add to the mix some pre-existing anxiety and depression and you've really got yourself an i'm-lost-and-don't-know-where-i'm-going-with-my-life party.

It has taken me years to start addressing my problems and recognizing what I need to add or subtract from my life an it all comes back to time. Do I have time to fix this? How much time have I wastefully invested in them? Will I ever get time to do that? Who will be there when my time runs out? There will always be kinks in the chain but you cannot stress about things that are out of your control, it is an enormous waste of your time. Only you can provide the answers to your own questions, don't make excuses as this only hides to the truth. You can't begin to move forward if you are not honest and don't listen to yourself. Take your time to see beauty in the small things. As Sura wrote in her article Why We Rush Through Life, "To be present is to fully inhabit the moment, to slow down and pay attention to everything around us" which you cannot do if you don't take the time to actually be present. Don't let others rush you and don't take on their negative energy, move at your own pace. Do something, read something, see someone that makes you smile. The scientific benefits of smiling outweigh any negative influences and help to begin to calm you and your body down. Last but not least, as my gorgeous yoga instructor Kotte has taught me, Breathe. Breathe in until you can feel every corner of your lungs expand and let go of your daily conflictions as you exhale.  Breathe in in an extended rhythm with your body and your mind will follow. Don't convolute your mind into thinking "this year will be different" because a year is just another way of measuring time. 

Every year can be your year. 

"You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today" - Pink Floyd, Time.