"Just keep swimming." I think every person who's ever watched finding Nemo can find meaning in this. For me, it is to rise above jealousy, see through insidious people and focus on making myself a better person. Regrettably, I have done a lot of shitty things in my life notwithstanding I have learnt from my mistakes and grown from them. I also find myself empathetically defining my behavior from others mistakes which is not to say I am a better person that them, I was just lucky not to have been first.
Whether you are a biblical person or not, one thing we are taught from a very young age is to treat others how you want to be treated, yet we rarely ever do. I can say with confidence that I have said and done things to people I care about that have damaged relationships and caused irreversible pain that I choose to be believe I have grown from. I can also say that I haven't always been treated in a mutually acceptable manner but once again, I CHOOSE to rise above it.
In my step fathers suicide note he wrote "This is no-ones fault" but for years I blamed myself for his death. I would replay my last moments with him over and over until I wasn't even sure how much of it was reality or how much I had concocted in my own head. It wasn't until June 2011 after I had been drugged and raped by a friend of a friend that I began to realise you cannot take responsibility for another persons heinous actions. For the months that followed I hated myself and being around other people, particularly men. I wallowed in self loathing and condemnation until I reached the apex of my hate and decided to end my life. Quite clearly my attempt was futile and I couldn't be happier for this fact. I made a list of not what makes me happy but why these things make me happy and attributed them to the importance of my existence. Although I still struggle being alone with male company and have my moments of doubt, I am thankful for my life and remember how lucky I am everyday to have so much love and support.
Something I have learned from these emotional scars is that you cannot begin to forgive others until you have first forgiven yourself. You cannot live in the grave that is your past, you can either climb out or dig further down. There is no middle ground. I know now that luck does not just happen and forgiveness is not an overnight odyssey. It is a long road of letting in the sunshine that is unequivocal love in and no longer living in the dark.
"He who cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." - Confucius
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