I'm electric, I'm spontaneous, I'm dangerous, I'm fire, I'm manic.
I try to sleep but my eyes just burn. The feeling of guilt over a morning coffee keeps me awake at night.
"That's why you can't sleep, you know! All that caffeine and energy drinks is bad for you!"
I know, I know. My insomnia is just too much caffeine and it's all in my head.
I leave the safety of my house and everywhere I go I hear my name being called out by strangers.
I'm constantly looking over my shoulder and feel jumpy and fidgety.
I'm hungry but it's a different kind of hungry to Normal hungry, I guess like,
"That's why you're always sick! You don't eat enough good food!"
I probably couldn't tell you when I last ate and I will lie if you ask if I've been smoking. "You really need to give that up, it's disgusting!"
It truely is.
I'm dull and wrinkly and stinky.
All the things the anti smoking ads tell you you'll be if you're a smoker.
A surge of self hate boils to the surface and I hate that I can't be stronger and just give them up. The self hate begins to snowball, collecting up new things to loathe in its wake. I spend an hour picking at the skin on my face until I am red and pock marked. I chew the skin around my fingernails until it bleeds even though I know "that's what happens when you bite your nails!"
I do know.
I feel ashamed and ugly and I know it's my own fault and I know what I need to do to fix my life but I just don't know if I can.